Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass empty

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet

Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face

Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!

Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Action: Turn glass other way so that open end points towards ceiling!

Symptom: Feet warm and wet

Fault: Improper bladder control

Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation!

Symptom: Floor blurred

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Floor swaying

Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar

Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.

Symptom: Floor moving

Fault: You are being carried out.

Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!

Fault: You have fallen over backwards

Action: If your glass is full - and no one is standing on your drinking arm - stay put and carry on. If not, get someone to help you up; attach self to bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts

Fault: You have fallen forwards

Action: See above

Symptom: Everything has gone dark

Fault: The pub is closed

Action: Panic!!!

Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!