What did God say to Di at the pearly gates?

Get that Merc off your face.

What does DIANA stand for?

Died In A Nasty Accident!

What does DODI stand for?

Died Opposite DI. Died Of Driver Intoxication. Died On Dashboard Impact.

Did you know that Princess Diana had AIDS?

Automobile Impacted Diana Spencer

What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Porche?

Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Porche!

What did St Peter say to Di at the Pearly Gates?

Wipe that greasy "merc" off your face.

What was Elton John's tribute song for Mother Theresa?

Sandles in the Bin.

What did Di wear for her funeral?

A dark blue bonnet.

What did Prince Charles say when he heard about the automobile accident?

Well, that's the way the Mercedes Benz.

What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes?

They both make Royal Jelly.

What's the difference between a Mercedes 600 and a can of spam?

They give you a key to get the meat out a can of spam.

Why is a Mercedes like a squid?

They've both got Di in them when they're opened.

What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?

A Mercedes will easily reach 40.

Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS?

Pulverised Mercedes Syndrome.

Why didnt the airbag on the Merc function properly?

It was strapped into a safety belt in the back seat.

You've read Fergie's books about "Budgie the Helicopter"?

Now read Diana's book, "Scrunchie the dark blue Mercedes"

Hear about the new Mercedes?

It comes with two airbags and three bodybags.

I've heard they are changing the name of Mercedes to Mercedes straights, because they don't benz very well.

Why was Diana in a Merc?

Because she flatly refused to get in any other car.

New 1998 model now available:

"Mercedes-Benz-Twistz-Manglz-Crunchz"

What does world hunger and a mercedes have in common?

Diana can't stop either.

What's the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes?

BMW doesn't get any royalties.

This guy goes into a second hand car dealers looking for a new car, he sees a salesman and asks him for some advice. 'Certainly Sir' the salesman answers. 'Have a look at this 1988 mini, only 70,000 miles on the clock, a bargain at 500 pounds'. The guy looks at the car and replies, 'Yes, but I would like something a bit better.' The salesman answers 'Ok, have a look at this 1990 Ford Escort, 50,000 miles on the clock and only 1000 pounds'. The guy still isn't satisfied and says ' That's ok, but haven't you anything more classy'. The salesman leads the guy to the far corner of the dealership where there is an old 1981 Austin Princess. 'Have a look at this beauty, 100,000 miles and a gift at only 4000 pounds'. '4000 pounds?' replies the guy 'but the other two cars were lots better'. 'Ahh, didn't you know' says the salesman 'you can find parts of a Princess in a Mercedes!'

Did you hear that the French Doctors could have saved Diana but they didn't have the parts for a 1961 Princess.

Why is my Uncle Ted like Dodi's chauffeur?

Because he also used to drive a Princess before he smashed it up.

What's the Queens favourite car?

A smashed up Princess

What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking?

She hit the roof.

What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods?

Tiger Woods has a better driver.

Why don't you want to buy golf clubs at Harrods?

Their drivers suck.

Too bad O.J. wasn't driving!

What's the difference between George Best and Dodi's chauffeur?

George Best can still take corners when he's pissed.

Did you hear that Di has a new chauffeur?

Ayrton Senna.

What's the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?

Taxi.

Why wouldn’t you want to buy any computer hardware at Harrod’s?

Their drivers are crash-prone!

If Teddy Kennedy was driving, they would have taken the bridge.

I hear the Ritz is looking for a new driver.

They want one with tunnel vision.

What's the difference between "Thomas the Tank Engine" and Princess Di?

Thomas made it through the tunnel!

Diana's new title:

Princess of Walls

What was the last thing Diana & Dodi had to drink?

4 Harvey Wallbangers, 2 Slammers, followed by 7 chasers and a Pina Colida

What's the difference between Lady Di and the Eastern Germans?

The Eastern Germans survived the wall.

What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last greatest hit was the WALL.

What does Princess Di turn into at midnight?

The wall

Did you see the wall Di drove into?

Neither did she.

What's Di's favourite ice-cream?

Walls

Diana's last words: "I said 'Beat them all', NOT 'Eat the wall!'"

The Driver turned to Dodi just as they were entering the tunnel:

"God I'm so tired! I cannot wait until my head hits the pillar tonight"

What does Di rest her head on?

A pillar.

When is a princess not a princess?

When she turns into a pole.

What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian?

A solidly-built Pole.

What did Princess Diana die of?

Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.

Diana was found to be the favourite royal in a recent pole

What did Diana say to Dodi when he asked to marry her?

She wanted something more concrete in her life.

Why did Dodi invest in construction?

He wanted to make a big impact on the concrete industry.

How did Di and Charles disagree about Modern Architecture?

Di was wrapt about pre-stressed cement.

What did the Queen say when she heard Princess Diana died in a car smash?

Was Fergie with her?

Have you heard the Pink Floyd song for Diana's tribute albumn?

Another Brit in the Wall.

What did Prince Charles say when he heard the news?

"Shall I garage your motorbike, Mum?", "Smashing!"

What's the difference between Dodi and Di and Charles and Camilla?

Dodi and Di are just a crush

Why was Lady Di's death a tragedy?

Because the rest of the Royal Family wasn't in the back of the car with her.

Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a passer-by said "Morning", Charles said "No, just walking the dog."

What's Di getting for Christmas?

The Queen Mother.

How can you tell which one was Charles at the funeral?

He was the one talking to the flowers.

What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas?

A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes

When Prince Charles was told of Diana's death he was all ears.

What has 500 legs and 62 teeth?

The front row at Princess Diana's funeral.

Why did Diana and Charles get divorced?

They had a fight over who wore the skirt in the family.

Why does Prince Charles use Energiser Batteries?

Because they, "Never say Di".

Apparently, at Diana's funeral the Queen Mother caught the bouquet.

What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz?

You get mints after dinner at the London Ritz and minced after dinner at the ParisRitz.

Hear about the big sale at Harrods?

So big, it's to "Di" for...

What sound did the ambulance make?

Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi...

What does Dodi and Dodo have in common?

They are both extinct.

Dodi's Tomb was to be fitted with central heating until they realised that he already had a radiator on his chest.

Di was on drugs...

Speed, then smack.

What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring?

Aren't we moving a bit to fast!

Honda are going to call there latest moped 'the Diana'... you drive like a maniac and still never reach forty.

What did Diana say to Dodi before they left the hotel?

" Dodi I want to get screwed on a wall "

Did you hear that Di has something in common with George Burns?

They both died when they hit a hundred.

Did Diana get a telegram from the Queen when she hit 100?

Why was the bodyguard so red-faced after the accident?

He had Di all over him.

Why couldn't the paparazzi develop the crash photos?

Cos there was bloody Di all over them.

Mercedes have recalled DODI's car for paint problems.

The inside was splattered with Di

Where were Dodi and Di heading the night of the accident?

To paint the town red.

How do you paint a tunnel?

With Di.

What's harder than getting ink out of the carpet?

Getting Di out of the upholstery

How d'ya paint a merc red?

Di it.

Was that blue blood on the pavement?

No, it was only Di.

What's Diana's newest title?

The Lady in Red.

Of course, I could add that the police at the scene didn't need to add chalk outlines...

There was Di all over the road.

Diana: dead as a Dodi.

Just before the accident the chauffer shouted, "We're going to die, we're going to die."

To which Dodi replied, "No, we're going to my place."

Did you hear that the paparazzi were in deep shit in Paris?

Just before the ill-fated Mercedes left the Ritz on that fateful night, they were shouting "Di, Di, Di".

Princess Di's driver was on his way to the pearly gates when he met God out front. He screamed, "God, what are you doing?". God replied, "What do youmean my son?" The driver replied, "I said I wanted to be f#cking Di in the tunnel,not f#cking die in the tunnel".

The way I understand it... someone yelled "Lady Di" and the driver thought it was an order.

What did the French doctors say to Prince Charles when they telephoned him?

"Princess Die"

What did Dodi say to his chauffeur?

"Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?"

Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her?

"Di hard", "Live and Let Di", "One Wedding and a Funeral", "Four holidays and a funeral", And it's to be shown in drive-in theatres only

Did you hear that Di is going to get married again?

They say its a match made in heaven.

Its politically incorrect to say that someone has Di'd.

You say someone's life has "come to an end".

Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?

Because he's the only queen who cares.

Why did Elton john take his boyfriend to the funeral?

So at least one old queen would be seen to cry in public.

Elton John is going to rename his tribute song

"Door handle through her Grin!"

Elton John is now writing his next song about himself...

It's called "Like a Gerbil in the Wind."

Elton John re-released "Candle In the Wind" as a single but now that Diana is buried he should've re-released "Island Girl" instead.

Did you know Elton John sang a song at Dodi's funeral?

Goodbye Fellow Prick Dod.

What do Diana and Versace have in common?

They both get screwed by queens and die.

Why did Lady Di go and die?

She wanted to be the first to try on the Versace Summer 98 Collection.

Why did God invent the cockroach?

So the paparazzi could have someone to look down to.

Did you hear what Di said when the French photographers asked if they could take her picture in the car wreck?

"Over my dead Dodi."

What was Diana's last word?

Cheese !!!

What was the last thing Di said to Dodi?

"These paparazzi are driving me up the wall"

What was the last thing Diana said to the paparazzi?

No more pictures, I'm a bloody Princess!

Apparently, Diana had a pizza in the Ritz before the fatal journey.

Silly cow asked for extra paparazzi.

What's the bumper sticker on Fergie's car?

I brake for Paparazzi.

When Diana said she would never talk to the British press again I didn't know she was speaking the truth!!

What does Diana's bumper sticker say?

My other car's a decoy.

What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi?

Leeches fall off after you die.

How did The Royal Family stop the paparazzi from visiting Diana's grave?

By placing Land mines around it.

Just heard the details of Mother Theresa's death...

It seems she died in a fiery crash of her rickshaw. After dining at the Calcutta Ritz with her playboy boyfriend, they were being pulled wildly through the streets trying to avoid the paparazzi. Rumours have started that the rickshaw driver was drunk.

So sad, two in one week.

Princess Diana and Mother Theresa have died and are at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says, "Tell me a little about what you did on earth." The first one says, "I lived among sick and diseased people on the lowest rungof society. Every day I heard them cry out wanting more and more of me.""Yeah" said Saint Peter, "Those Paparazi are real scum. You can come in Di." Then he turned to the other woman. "What about you Mother Theresa?

Why did Mother Theresa die of a heart-attack?

She had the same heart doctor as the one who worked on Princess Di

What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?

Around 5 days.

What did the Pope say when asked, "Why was Diana more popular than Mother Theresa?"

"Well, Di did have a more smashing personality."

What did Mother Theresa ask Diana the last time they met?

"Can you give me a crash course in media recognition?"

Why did Princess Diana get to the Pearly Gates before Mother Theresa?

Mother Theresa deserved a Royal Reception.

With Mother Teresa also dying it's...

Protestants one, Catholics one.

Twenty reasons why Jesus is different to Diana:

You don't have to apologise for not believing in Jesus

You don't have to queue up for 24 hours to sign the condolences books for Jesus

No one thinks MI5 killed Jesus

The papers never changed their minds about Jesus

You can't do 120mph on a donkey

The Beatles were bigger than Jesus

Jesus only healed the lame; he never got his picture taken with them

Jesus hung around with Jews

Schoolchildren can opt out of the compulsory act of worship for Jesus

Jesus didn't slag off his family on television

There were only three kings came to see Jesus

No Christmas carol ever went platinum

Florists don't make money out of Jesus

Some Christians admit to doubts about the resurrection

The Queen was never forced to bow her head for Jesus

No one ever postponed a Port Vale game for Jesus

The churches aren't full at Easter

Jesus didn't even get two 'O' levels

There were only four accounts written of Jesus's life

Jesus wouldn't have been seen dead in the back of a Mercedes

Do you know what was playing on the stereo when the car crashed?

Going Underground

Did the British Secret Service kill Princess Diana?

No, the French underground did it.

What is the difference between Prince Charles and Mark Taylor?

Mark Taylor came home with the ashes (An Australia/UK cricket joke)

Why did the Poms want to cremate Di?

That way they finally get to keep the ashes!

What do Ferrero Rocher and Princess Di have in common?

They both come out of France in a box.

What have Lady Di and a bottle of French wine got in common?

The both came from France in a wooden box

What vegetable is most like Princess Diana?

French squash.

Why are French tramps like Princess Diana?

Because you'll find them smashed against the wall of a Paris underpass on Saturday nights.

Everyone thought Diana was a bit mad.

Well she was nearly "in the Seine".

What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess?

The frog turns into a wall and croaks.

It's just another example of Franco/German anti-British collaboration that has been going on since 1914...

Surely it's no coincidence that the world's best-loved English woman was killed by a drunken Frenchman driving a German tank.

Why has the death of of Diana been good for Ecumenism (the bringing together of Catholic and Protestant churches)?

It has been 400 years since the Church of England canonised a saint!

What is worse than being chased by paparazzi?

Being chauffeured by a French driver.

What's worse than being chauffeured by a French driver?

Being treated by a French doctor.

What did the French photographer say to Princess Diana as she was pulled from the car wreck?

"What will you be wearing at the funeral?"

What's Di's favourite song?

"I can't drive 55" Sammy Hagar

Apparently Elton John wasn't the first choice to play a tribute at the Funeral. But Tommy Steele declined since he thought "Crash-Bang-Wallop - What a Picture! - What a Photograph!" may have been in poor taste...

What's the Bangles new hit?

"Crash like an Egyptian"

What was her favourite band in the 80s?

Twisted Sister.

What were Di and Dodi's favourite group

Crash Test Dummies

Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Di...

Roxette - Crash! Boom! Bang!

Michael Jackson - Blood on the dashboard

Michael Jackson - Dirty Diana

Dodi - "Well my dear would you like to stay the night at my luxury home? - its a couple of hours drive from here I'm afraid!"

Diana - "Oh Dodi I'm sure we can find somewhere nearer to crash for the night!!"

Why was Princess Diana so thin?

Crash diet.

Did you hear that Dodi wanted to go night-clubbing but Diana just wanted to crash.

As Princess Di was leaving the Ritz Hotel, the guy at the reception said "So Di, your not going to sleep here tonight".

Di said "No, I think I will crash somewhere else".

What did Dodi say to Di before they left the Ritz?

"Do you want to sleep here or crash in the car?"

What was Diana wearing the night of her crash?

Crushed velvet.

Why did Di go to Paris?

To get smashed!

What was the last thing Princess Di saw before she died? (Or, What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind?)

The Steering Wheel

the dashboard

the windscreen

the engine block

the back of her head

What was the last thing she kissed?

The radiator!

Have you heard that Princess Diana was on the radio?

And the dashboard, and the windscreen, and...

Did you hear that Diana had Blue eyes?

One blew out the left window and the other out the right window.

Where was Di last seen?

On the radio

I was watching the remains being taken back in that big state coffin, and I thought "Why did they bother taking her out of the ashtray?"

What's Diana and a tampon got in common?

They both go in dark holes and come out red.

Where did Diana go for her holidays?

All over Paris.

Once again Princess Diana proves a big hit in Paris.

What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags?

Zip-a-de Dodi, Zip-a-de Di

If Diana's heart was in the right place...

Why was it found in the glove box?

Apparently the chauffeur wasn't the only legless person in the car.

What's the similarity between Neighbours & Prince Charles?

Neighbours have Mrs Mangle, Charles has a mangled Mrs.

Bearing in mind the driver was pissed out of his head, Diana's family should forget trying to sue the paparazzi, they haven't got a leg to stand on.

What do Lady Di and the Beatles have in common?

They both made quite an impact over in Europe.

So they found out Princess Di had dandruff.

They found her "head and shoulders" in the back seat.

When Princess Di went out she said to her sons i'll be back in a Jiffe

Apparently it wasn't the chauffeurs fault, Di had also been

drinking, reports show she had 2 pints of Carling in her.

Was it tactful to escort the coffin with cavalry officers...

and then a load of high power motorbikes

What are the last two things Dodi did?

Di

What would Diana be doing if she were alive today?

Trying to claw her way out of her coffin.

How do you spoil Princess Diana?

Leave her out in the sun.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Di

Di who?

See, easily forgotten.

What did Diana do in real life?

Nothing.

What was Diana's last dessert dish?

A Turnover.

The princess used to like fish and chips but now she's stuck on ribs.

Diana's name has been changed to...

The Royalty formally known as Princess Di.

What do you give to a princess who has everything?

A safetybelt and an airbag.

What were Princess Diana's last words?

"Darn, I can't auction this dress now!"

What does Princess Diana have in common with Hugh Grant?

They both bought it in the backseat of a car.

What's the similarity between Princess Di and a landmine?

They're both easy to lay but difficult to clear up.

What's the difference between the a Royal Mail strike and Diana?

A Royal mail strike stops the post ... and a post stops Diana.

What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana?

Princess Diana never became a queen of England.

Whats the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes?

A Volvo has the heir-bag in the front.

What's the difference between Freddy Mercury and Princess Di?

Freddy lived long enough to be a Queen.

What does Di and Freddie Mercury have in common?

Both had to die to get away from Queen.

In the You Knew It had to Happen Dept: A Volvo dealer in Macau lost his franchise after running an ad with a picture of Prince Diana and the tagline, "She'd still be alive if she was in a Volvo."

A policeman at the scene was trying to take her knickers off, his superior asked what he thought he was doing.

He replied, "you told me to measure the skid marks".

Have you heard about the Princess Diana computer virus?

Your computer speeds up, your driver runs into a post processor, and your hard drive crashes.

Why did Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day... both appear at the Pearly Gates, but St. Peter tells them there is only room for one more in heaven today. So he asks them both why they should be allowed in over the other. Dolly pulls off her top and says, "see? these are the most beautiful ones in God's creation, and he should be allowed to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter says "very nice", then turns to Princess Di and asks why SHE should be allowed in. Di says nothing, but lifts her dress, drops her knickers and douches with a bottle of Perrier. St. Peter says "Ok, Diana you can go in." Dolly is infuriated. "I show you the most beautiful breasts God has ever created, and she performs a vulgar act and you let HER in?" "I'm sorry," says Peter, "but a Royal Flush always beats a pair."

Famous last words:

Don't worry I can lose them.

Why didn't Superman come and rescue Princess Diana?

Because he's a quadraplegic!

Princess Diana was once a kindergarten teacher.

Now she's history.

News Flash: Paris Terrorists now know that they need someting heavier or faster than a Mercedes to knock down bridges...

Bill Gates was dissapointed to hear how Diana died...

Her Crashes affect more people than his.

What's the latest French magic trick?

Turning a Mercedes into a wall.

Linda McCartney arrives at the gates of Heaven.

"Hello", says St Peter

"Hello", says Linda. "I'm here to receive my halo and enter the Kingdom of God".

"Ah", says Peter. "I'm afraid you've been misinformed on that one. You only receive your halo after five years. You will have to make do with your angelic wings in the meantime".

Linda enters Heaven, and after a few meetings with old friends & relatives she comes across Princess Diana, wearing a halo.

Bloody typical she thinks, and storms towards the gates to see St Peter.

"What's the game here" she drawls tunelessly. "She's only been here 9 months and she's got a bloody halo already".

"That's not a halo" St Peter replies "That's a steering wheel".