Candle in the Wind (as originally drafted)

Goodbye Princess Di

May they all forget you were a tart

And have the grace to shed a tear

Before the rumours start

You went out of the country

And you tried to hide in vain

They saw you in the tabloids

You really should have changed your name

But it seems to me your driver was

Over three sheets to the wind

Never knowing what had happened

When the roof fell in

And I'd have liked to have seen the photo

But then I'm just a lout

Your minder will die of heart disease

Before the truth gets out

Royalty was tough

Those regal ears without a dick

Imagine bedding that one night

We can see you had to split

And 'specially now you're dead

Oh the Brits are all contrite

But when you were alive

They really couldn't give a shite

Goodbye Princess Di

From the young man who doesn't want to know

Who thinks you've run off to the Caribbean

To live with Marilyn Monroe

(and JFK, Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Hendrix, Luther King, Maxwell et al.)

LONDON, Oct.1 (Wire Service) - After the recent "overwhelming" response to the re-dedication and performance of his "Candle In The Wind" at the funeral of the late Diana, Princess of Wales, pop singer Elton John has remade several of his other old hits into tributes to Diana. His song from Goodbye Yellow Brick Road entitled "Bennie And The Jets" is now "Diana And The Press." Following are the new lyrics.

Diana and the Press

Hey kids, the couple's not together

Diana tried to reach out but the Prince he wouldn't let her

We see it in the headlines now every day

You know the press is gonna make a killing now anyway

Say, Diana dating Dodi, have you seen them yet?

The news is that he drives her wild

D-D-D-D Diana and the Press

Oh, but she's real and she's wonderful

Diana she's really keen

She's got her Bally boots, Versace suits

You know I saw it in a magazine

D-D-D-D Diana and the Press

Hey kids, plug into the faithless

Maybe we're blinded

Diana makes us ageless

We shall survive, let us take ourselves along

When we lose all of our own sense of guilt and say who's right and who's wrong

Say, Diana did her duty, have you seen her yet?

The news is that it drove her wild

D-D-D-D Diana and the Press

Oh, but she was real and she was wonderful

Diana she was really keen

She's got her Bally boots, Versace suits

You know I saw it in a magazine

D-D-D-D Diana and the Press

Di, Di, Di, Diana and the Press

Untitled

Come gather around people,

And hear what we tell...

Of an Arab and a Princess,

Now rotting in hell.

Diana and Dodi,

No longer walk tall...

At 200 kilometers,

Smack into a wall.

Bodyguard drunk,

The chauffeur was pissed...

All of them dead,

And none will be missed.

To all of Great Britain,

It seems such bad luck,

The rest of the world,

Just don't give a f#ck.

Paparazzi snapping,

With their cameras new-fangled...

But we all want to see,

The shots of them mangled.

If only they knew,

It would come as a shock...

That when she was killed,

She was sucking his c#ck.

Now Charles can talk openly,

About f#cking Camilla,

Now longer has to do it,

In a secret French villa.

Prince William and Harry,

They cried many tears,

But mummies been f#cking,

All around her for years.

Soul of the party,

At the Queen's secret orgies,

With her licking and sucking,

And f#cking and corgies.

Stately funeral,

As if they'd been shot...

F#ck her in the ground,

And let the bitch rot.

All the King's surgeons,

And all the King's men,

Couldn't put the whore,

Back together again.

A gold digging bimbo,

Who failed all her tests,

Now it is time,

To lay her to rest.

Eating and drinking,

With the Lords and the rich,

You won't need food now,

You bulimic bitch!

A Moral Tale

Princess Di and playboy El-Fayad

Were chased by the press on a ri-ed

But the drived was pissed

And the corner was missed

Too fast - and they crashed and they di-ed.

Earl Spencer behaved like an ass

His speech content really was crass

With sentiment teenage

and populist spleen-age

It sure did appeal to the mass.

The press they announced Elton's song

With saccharine drivelling on

Norma Jean's haunting tribute

reduced to a song cute

and nauseous, sickly and wrong.

Queen Liz was all of a fuss

Her Xmas speech caused her to cuss:

"If only Fergie had died

as well on the ride

t'would have been 'Annus Terrificus' "

The hospital committee said "Why

Don't we name the new ward after Di?"

But for services dedicated

and contribution triplicated

It got called 'Henri Paul' - what a guy!

John Denver's Tribute to Diana

(To the tune of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy")

Well, I was a useless bitch, and a real glitterati,

Dolled up to the nines, I was arrogant and snotty,

Instead of a Mercedes, should've took a Maserati!

Thank God I'm a hoi-poloi!

I was jetting 'round the world, posing for the papparazzi,

But now I'm being mocked on the Net by a Nazi,

It's a big comedown for a Lady Hotsy-Totsy!

Thank God I'm a hoi-poloi!

I had fame, I had fans,

I had money and glory,

But a piss-drunk frog

Put an end to my story,

When he tried to take a tunnel at a hundred and forty...

Thank God I'm a hoi-poloi!

Leader of the Pack

He met her at the lingerie store

She said Charlie didnt love her anymore

That's when she fell for dodi el-fayed

The royal family was always putting her down, down down

The Queen mum said that di spent too much on gowns

Charlie was such a mama's boy

he always loved Camilla anyway

that's why Di fell for Dodi el fayed

She heard that Charlie found someone knew

and that he and Di were all through

Prince Charlie was a bum

and Princess Di wasn't so dumb

that's why she fell for Dodi el fayed.

His mum was always putting her down

Charlie liked to play around

He should have had it made

Princess Di was one hot babe

that's why she fell for Dodi El fayed

Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B

There was a hot babe down Paris way

had a lot of class when she got laid

Her ex was a punk

and the driver was drunk

She's in heaven now

Smiling happily

She's the dead princess who went 103

She was a real dish with a royal past

Her first husband was a bloody ass

But the driver was trashed

when he stepped on the gas

She's in heaven now

Smiling happily

She's the dead princess who went 103

Everyone said she had great taste

when she died it was a real waste

but the paparazzi chased

and she spun out of the race

She's in heaven now

Smiling happily

s the dead princess who went 103

She was in a mercedes going a hundred per

escaping paparazzi taking pics of her

She was a babe with real class

but then her number came up and she was gone in a flash

She's in heaven now

smiling happily

she's the dead princess who went 103

It really brought her down because she lost her man

the guys with the cameras just didnt understand

she was hi class royalty

but her ticket was cashed and she was killed in a crash

She's in heaven now

smiling happily

she's the dead princess who went 103

Ballad of Jed Clampett - Theme from the Beverly Hillbillies

This is a story about Dodi and Di

they were eating at the Ritz and he felt her thigh

said my chateau is where we outta be

So they got in the Mercedes and drove crazily

Benz that is

Paris France

home of escarots and truffles

she got so excited she almost up-chucked her food

and the people at the Ritz would have thought that was rude

Please poke me Dodi, I ain't no prude

take me to your chateau, and you can see me nude

so they piled in the Mercedes,

she and her dude

French kissing in France beneath the Paris moon

Well the first thing you know Di gave Chuck the air

Her and Dodi made a real lovely pair

He caressed her tenderly and she didnt have a care

he ran his fingers throught her golden hair

and said her tits looked like little pairs

Anjou, that is

Anjou, France

and kisses sweeter than wine

Well , their wedding would have been a lovely sight

it's too bad that the driver was tight

He drove left but the car went right

into the tunnel in the middle of the night

by the Seine

3 lives down the drain

and the princess screaming in pain

Princess Diana Song (American Pie)

Bye, bye, driver, Dodi and Di

Drove my Merc to the tunnel but paparazzi were nigh

And good old driver was drinking whisky and rye

Singing this'll be the day that we Di

Now Charles thought he was off scot free

But Camilla said "hey, how about me?"

And Will and Harry were sad as can be

The day the Princess died

Bye, bye, driver, Dodi and Di

Drove my Merc to the tunnel but paparazzi were nigh

And good old driver was drinking whisky and rye

Singing this'll be the day that we Di

Now Di died from a broken heart

Earl Spencer tore the press apart

And Elton's song was very smart

But still the people cried

And they were singing:

Bye, bye, driver, Dodi and Di

Drove my Merc to the tunnel but paparazzi were nigh

And good old driver was drinking whisky and rye

Singing this'll be the day that we Di

This'll be the day that we Diiiii.....