Funny Stuff - Computing: Software Funnies - Heaven's Computers ====================================================================== Bill Gates died and went to heaven. On arrival, he had to wait in the reception area. This was the size of Queensland, with literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks; staffers with clipboards battled their way through the crowds. Booze and drugs were being passed around, fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appaling, the whole thing looked like Woodstock gone metastic. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, a staffer approached him - a young man in his late teens with acne scars wearing a blue T - shirt with TEAM PETER written on it. "Hello." said the staffer in a bored, bereaucratic sounding voice. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction co - ordinator." Bill started to ask a question but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel, I'm just a guy from Melbourne named Gabriel. I died in a car crash at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless your Chinese, in which case it's first name first." "Gates, Bill" Gabriel checked his clipboard. "Why are all these people here? Where is St Peter? Where are the pearly gates?" Gabriel ignored his questions until he located his entry on his clipboard. "It says here you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?" "Yes." "Well then, do the maths, chip head. When heaven opened, only 100 people or so died every day. St Peter could handle them all himself, no problems. No there are over 5 billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said go forth and multiply, he didn't mean like rabbits! Now around 10,000 people die every hour, over a quarter of a million people every day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not." "You guessed right." So Peter had to franchise the operation. He's now the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises Inc. Just sits in the Corporate Headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions. Your paperwork seems to be inorder and with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment." "Job assignment?" "Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your arse and drinking ambrosia? Heavens a big operation. And you have to pull your weight." Gabriel had Bill sign a form in triplicate, then tore out the middle copy and handed it to him. "Take this form to Induction Centre 23 and meet up with your Occupational Orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question. Gabriel interrupted "No, he's not that Abraham." Gates walked down a long, muddy trail until he came to Induction Centre 23. After a mere six hour wait he met Abraham. "Heaven is centuries behind in it's data processing infrastructure." explained Abraham. Were still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week to process new entries. Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new Data Processing Centre. We're putting in the largest computing facility in the history of creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi segment, fibre optic network, all running into a back end server with one thousand parallel Cyrix CPU's on a two gigabyte channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works!" "Wow!" said Bill. "What a great job. This really is Heaven!" Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new Data Processing Centre. It was a truly huge facility, 100 times the size of the SCG, with workmen crawling all over it. And in the middle, arranged in huge circles around a massive, house sized mainframe, were half a million computers in neat rows. Half a million. "Macintoshes!" exclaimed Bill, horrified. "All running ClarisWorks software. Not a single byte of Microsoft code. " said Abraham. The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products hed spent his life trying to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PC's?" he exclaimed. "What about Windows? What about Excel? What about Word?" "This is Heaven", explained Abraham. We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing centre based on PC's running Windows, then GO TO HELL!" 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