Fun stuff to do in church.

• Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
• A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
• Put stray dogs in coat closets.
• Un-tune the piano.
• Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
• Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666
• Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
• Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
• Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
• Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out. Start a wave.
• Do cool things with the lighting.
• When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
• Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
• When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do ANOTHER song?"
• Make up your own words to the songs.
• Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
• Eat dry "Cap'n Crunch" through the entire service.
• If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT FUCKING THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
• Dress all in black, or in camouflage.
• Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
• If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
• At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
• Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
• Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
• Inflate balloons, then send them off.
• Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
• Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
• Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
• Make calls to 1900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
• During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, calmly and quietly tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 6 million years ago."
• Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor.
• Discreetly light them.
• Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
• Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
• When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
• Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
• Fart. Loudly.
• Blow bubbles.
• Fake a possession.
• Distribute condoms.
• Speak in tongues.
• Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
• Drool in the collection plate.
• Ask someone what they think about the Book of
• Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
• After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
• Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
• At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
• Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
• Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
• Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
• Try to guess which altar boy the priest likes best.
• Replace the money on the collection plate with Monopoly® bucks.
• Nonchalantly invite the preacher back to your pad for some lines of coke.
• In confession, recount your sexual escapades and high times at the local convent.
• Sing your hymn "An Ode to Darwin" in front of the congregation.
• Keep holding hands with the people next to you even after everyone else has let go, and then start drooling.
• Challenge the male Sunday school teacher to try and make his point without having to touch one of the boys.
• Sing hymns obnoxiously loud and in your best choral voice, knowing that everyone is irritated but not about to give you dirty looks - since you're probably "moved by the spirit".
• Play "INNAGADDADAVIDA" on the church organ.
• Dress in Pagan garb and ask the priest where he wants the chicken entrails.
• Ask ever so politely and sincerely for prayers that your second dick will quit growing out your ass.
• Wander around and when asked if you need help, reply, "No thank you, my old god is on its last legs, and I'm just browsing for a new one."
• Break up a wedding. Point out that, according to the Bible, they're cousins, as all humans are descended from Adam and Eve and that humanity has been living in sin for all this time.
• Belch after taking communion and ask if it still counts.
• Ask the pastor an intelligent question.
• Slowly move your head back and forth during the sermon to see if you can get the flame of the candle on the altar behind the priest to be positioned directly on the top of his head.
• Stand up during mass and proclaim "There can be only one!" Then blow your head off with a shotgun.
• Choke on the communion and spit it back at priest yelling, "That bastard tried to poison me!"
• Masturbate.