Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie," he asked? "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Why are OJ Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy, and Greg Louganis the worst foursome in golf? Because one's a slicer, one's a hooker, one can't drive, and the other one always goes for the wrong hole.

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

Nuts...my shaft is bent.

After 18 holes I can barely walk.

You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

Look at the size of his putter.

Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

Mind if I join your threesome?

Stand with your back turned and drop it.

My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

A couple of women, Janice and Sherrill, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Sherill, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Sherrill rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'l be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell"

I was cutting hair one day when a guy comes into my shop with a bandage around his neck. I put him in the chair and asked what happened. In a low raspy voice he said " yesterday I was playing golf with my mother in law. On the second hold she sliced her ball way over into a cowpasture. She REALLY hates to loose a ball so we looked, and we looked, and we looked. There was no ball in sight. Just an old ugly cow. She screamed " I'm not leaving till I find that ball". After another usless search I passed by the cow and decided "what the hell" so I lifted the cows tail and sure enough there was a ball stuck there. I called my mother in law over and said " does this look like yours" and she hit me in the throat with a 7 iron.........