Funny Stuff - Jokes - Light Bulb Jokes ====================================================================== How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 472, one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle..... How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? "We've formed a task force to study the problem and why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we, as supervisors, can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder." How many tech support people does it take to change a light bulb? "We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine.Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay, now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong - have you tried the switch?" How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the tap. How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, Bill Gates will just redefine MSDarkness(TM) as the new industry standard. How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb? 7, one to change the bulb and six to design the T - Shirt. How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, the light bulb will be obselete in six months anyway. How many testers does it take to change a light bulb? We just noticed that it was dark, we don't actually fix the problem. How many developers does it take to change a light bulb? "The light bulb works fine on the system in my office." How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? "You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message." How many shipping department personel does it take to change a light bulb? "We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days; if you call before two pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the light bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name on the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box." How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to chnage the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb. How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? 9, one to climb the ladder and change it and eight to stand around grumbling "that should be me up there" None, that's a crew member's job. How many Einstein's does it take to change a light bulb? That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or visa versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room, it's all relative. How many gay men does it take to change a light bulb? Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "fabulous". How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? Seven, one to force the bulb with a hammer, five to go out for more bulbs and one to make up other repairs for the bill. How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? "Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago and I've just cashed up." How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Five, and you should have seen the bulb, it must have been t h i s big. How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on what you want to change it in to. How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw it in and one to screw it up. How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and one to scratch it's bum. How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb? Wow; is it like, dark, man? How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb? Screw in a light bulb? They can't even cross a road. How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None of your f######g business, get outta my f######g way. How many Englishmen does it take to change a light bulb? What do you mean, change. It's a perfectly good light bulb. We've had it for 100 years and it's worked fine. How many Ukranians does it take to change a light bulb? They don't need to, they glow in the dark. How many Australians does it takt to change a light bulb? 17, one to change the bulb and 16 to stand around saying "Goodonya mate". How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? First things first, how many of them does it take to figure out it's blown? How many disarmament activists does it take to change a light bulb? If we change our bulb, they'll change theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end? We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the whole world three times over. We shouldn't spend money for light as long as there is anyone hungry anywhere. We don't know what effect all this artficial light will have on the future of mankind. Nature provides us with all the light we need, we just haven't learnt to harness it yet. Artificial light isn't asthetically correct. The candle is more traditional, and uses no electricity. It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide light to all Australians, regardless of race, age, creed, colour, sex, religion, socio - economic status, national origin or need. How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb? As many as possible. How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? None, he'll only promise change. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None 'o yo' damn business! A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Thats a hardware problem. A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A": Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a software problem. A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb? Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark. A': 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc). How long will it take? That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them. What if you have _two_ dead bulbs? They replace your fuse box. How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it. How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb? None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb? None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb? Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, but they're really only one. How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Thats not funny!!! How many "Cliffie" girls does it take to change a light bulb? It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny! How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Both of them. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A tree in a golden forest. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Zen masters carry their own light. How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Billions and billions. How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. How many IBM Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". How many IBM Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it. How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It turned itself in. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. There never _was_ any light bulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? ---- You should have hit "n"! How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb? 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him. How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb? None; assholes never see the light anyway. How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?" None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A': Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? About one third less than for a regular bulb. How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? What kind of answer did you have in mind? How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. Notes: Ugh! How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh wow, is it like dark, man? How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.) How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? Many hands make light work. How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000" How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? At least three. (Notes: think height!) How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? All of them. How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.") Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A': Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? One. How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? One, if it knows its own Goedel number. How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? To get to the other side. How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A': One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A": One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A'": In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke... How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? They don't need to, they glow in the dark. How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb. How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? None, they like to keep him in the dark. How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on what you want to change it into. How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too. How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb? None. You have to replace the whole motherboard. How many phsycologists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four, one to screw it in and three to share the experience. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to write about how it felt. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Three, one to screw it in and two to discuss the sexual implications. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Four, one to change it and three to hold a forum on how the lightbulb is exploiting the socket. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Three, one to change the bulb and two to secretly wish they were the socket. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to screw in the bulb and one to kick the balls off any man who tries to help. How many Manchester United staff does it take to change a lightbulb? 4 - Ruud van Nistelrooy to do it, Roy Keane to tell him how to do it, Tim Howard to stand there doing nothing and Alex Ferguson to complain that if the technician had done his job properly the bulb would have never gone out in the first place! How does David Beckham change a lightbulb? He holds the bulb up to the socket and the whole world revolves around him! Navigation ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Prev page: Gulf War Jokes (Gulf-War.txt) Next page: Marriage Jokes (Marriage.txt) Menu page: Jokes Sub - Menu (Mainmenu.txt) Home page: Back to Funny Stuff Central (../Mainmenu.txt) Last Modified ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Monday 05 January, 2004 @ 19:18:15:625 EST Metadata ---------------------------------------------------------------------- DC.Title: Funny Stuff - Jokes - Light Bulb Jokes DC.Creator: Starweb Document Generator V2.6 DC.Subject: Humour DC.Description: A collection of humour pages collected and submitted from the internet. DC.Publisher: Lukas Tan DC.Contributor: DC.Date: 2004-01-05 DC.Type: Jokes DC.Format: text/html DC.Identifier: C:\Documents and Settings\Lukas\My Documents\Homepage\Humour\Jokes\Light-Bulb.txt DC.Source: Light-Bulb.swx DC.Language: en DC.Relation: txt.swt DC.Coverage: Global DC.Rights: Under Australian law, copyright of this document falls with it's publisher (Lukas Tan). However, all humour content is considered to have open copyright.