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- Black holes are what happened when God divided by 0.
- If you've got water on the knee, you're not aiming straight.
- But for Venetian blinds it would be curtains for us all.
- Before the Howard government came to power we were on the edge of an economic precipice. Since then we've taken a great step forward.
- A stitch in time would confuse Stephen Hawking.
- I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam.
- Cigarettes cause statistics.
- Cancer cures smoking.
- Why drink drive when you can smoke dope and fly home.
- Don't drink drive, you'll spill it.
- Don't drink drive, it's a washing detergent.
- What do you say to an Arts graduate? Big Mac and fries.
- Ignore this sign.
- Roses are reddish, violets are blueish, if it wasn't for Jesus, we'd all be Jewish.
- Is reincarnation making a comeback?
- Due to Paul Keating's budget deficit, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off at weekends.
- Reality is for poeple who can't cope with drugs.
- Racism is a pigment of the imagination.
- I'm bisexual, when I can't get it, I buy it.
- Aural sex gives eargasms.
- Nervous breakdowns are hereditary. You get them from your kids.
- Necrophilia is dead boring.
- Marriage is a fine institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
- Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
- Keep incest in the family.
- My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.
- I like sadism, necrophillia and beastiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?
- Avoid the end of year rush. Fail your exams now.
- Diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
- The desision is maybe and that's final.
- Life Motto: Life is like needing to go to the toilet in the middle of the night - you really don’t want to get up and do it, but you feel so much better when you have.
- Have you ever noticed how, in all books, people coming into a room always gently close the door behind them? I suppose the reason for this is that if they closed the door in front of themselves they’d still be outside.
- Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
- The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked up in the safe.
- We can’t all be heroes - because somebody has to sit on the kerb and clap as they go by.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
- If your parents didn’t have any children, there’s a good chance that you won’t have any.
- Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you.
- When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
- Nothing makes mothers happy, so don’t try to cheer them up. Mothers are meant to suffer and be depressed. That’s why they had you.
- For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
- Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery contains.
- Skiing combines outdor fun and knocking down trees with your face.
- Always borrow from a pessimist - he never expects to get it back anyhow.
- Always look out for number one and be careful not to step in number two.
- If you don’t want your children to hear what you are saying, pretend you’re talking to them.
- Fortunately the wheel was invented before the car, otherwise the scraping noise would have been terrible!
- Jogging would be so much more popular if you could just somehow do it sitting down.
- I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- Nature is wonderful. A million years ago she didn’t know we were going to need glasses, but look where she put our ears.
- How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the morning?
- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
- A rabbit’s foot may be lucky - but not for the original owner.
- Avoid pain - always use adhesive panty pads the right side up.
- Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway.
- She had the Midas touch: Everything she touched turned into a muffler.
- It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Talking with a man is like trying to saddle a cow. You work like hell, but what’s the point?
- If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
- If Noah had been truly wise he would have swatted these two flies.
- Encourage your fellow dwellers to develop obsessive, compulsive disorder - that way you’ll never have to clean your own room.
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes - why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
- May you live all the days of your life.
- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
- Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
- Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
- Titanic: right disaster, wrong ship
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