You know you've hired the wrong clown when.....

• By the end of the party, he's got every child doing the 'pull my finger" trick.
• Clown car must be started with a breathalizer device.
• Keeps screaming, "My name is BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
• References to Kierkegaard and Nietzscheare lost on most five year olds.
• Props for his "disapearing" trick; a moving van and your wide-screen T.V.
• Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
• Tells the kids that he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
• Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
• Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the joint."
• Not eaactly the Pee Wee Herman impression you were expecting.
• Wears a T-Shirt that says "Drug-free since March!"
• More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
• Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
• A sad clown is one thing - a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
• The only ballon animals he can make is a snake and a "snake on acid."
• Buisness cards include the phrase "From the mind of Stephen King..."
• Price list includes "Lap Dancing" and "around the world".
• All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.