You know you work in an emergency ward when:

• You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
• Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
• You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.
• You have the bladder capacity of five people.
• You can identify the "positive teeth to tattoo" ratio.
• Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity
• You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
• You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
• You have your weekends off planned for a year.
• When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin.
• Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.
• You encourage an obnoxious pt. to sign out AMA just so you don't have to deal with them anymore.
• You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.
• You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
• You plan what you're going to prepare for dinner while performing gastric lavage.
• You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it sure is quiet around here."
• Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.
• You refer to Friday as "dump day".
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• When someone calls you a bitch and you take it as a compliment.
• When you are out in public you complimen any complete stranger on their "Great Veins."
• You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care facility"
• You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
• You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer.
• You ever answered a "lost condom" phone call.
• When you refer to a pt. in respiratory distress as a "smurf"
• Your idea of a really good time is duelling shock rooms.
• You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... getting it right the first time."
• You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.
• You have ever had to leave a pt's room before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
• You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my Mother (father, etc.) there?
• You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER.
• You have ever issued a "dead head alert".
• You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a "Shit magnet".
• Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
• You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
• You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
• The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is "What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"
• You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"
• When you mention vegetables you're not referring to the food group.
• You have used the words "healthcare reform" to strike fear in your co-worker's hearts.
• You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick.
• You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips.
• You believe a "supreme being consult" is your pts only hope.
• You want to order a "dumbshit profile".
• You are totally astounded when someone from lab speaks English.
• You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say , "No I don't worry about birth control... I've been irradiated."
• You believe that your patient is demonically possessed.
• Your patient states, " I have no idea how that got stuck in there."