Q: If you could live forever, would you and why? A: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. - David Dinkins, NY City mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes

Smoking kills. If you are killed, you have lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti - smoking campaign

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett, Univ. of Kentucky basketball

Outside of killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Marion Barry, mayor Washington DC

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. - Mariah Carey

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' - Larry Miller

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? - Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. - Christopher Case

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. - Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' - Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' - Richard Jeni

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. - Jerry Seinfeld

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player. - Marsha Warfield

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. . - Ellen DeGeneres

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - William Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. - A. Whitney Brown

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. - Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich Jeni

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Rich Jeni

(On going to war over religion): "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni

"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." - Franck Dubosc

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Gary Valentine

(On the difference between men and women): "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Jeff Green

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Morency

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Jimmy Shubert

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." -Emo Philips

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Rich Jeni

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Ren Hicks

"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" - Jeff Green

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin James

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Rich Jeni

"You know, I'm sure if it was less crowded in here, more people would come in." - Two ladies in a supermarket checkout queue

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." - Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" - Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Drew Carey

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," - Rod Stewart

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" - Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." - Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realise, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot? And suppose you were a member of Congress? But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." - A. Whitney Brown

"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal

"No matter how rich a man is he can not drink more than fifty beers in a day." - Aldolphis Busch