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- The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
- So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
- Earth first... we'll mine the other planets later.
- How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
- I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Keep honking, I'm reloading.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
- I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
- Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
- He fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the ugly sticks on the way down
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