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- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain * no pain.
- I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window?
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
- They show you how detergents take out blood stains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
- Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is. beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
- A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said; Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket? I said, I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
- Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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