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- Whenever I need to "get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!
- Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
- I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
- If I was the head of a country during a war and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"
- If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
- I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!
- I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
- I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
- If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
- When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English." If I come back as a horsefly,
- I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!
- I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
- Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
- Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
- If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father.
- If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.
- A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.
- There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
- If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
- I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.
- You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
- If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
- If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
- I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
- I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
- If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
- Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
- I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
- Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
- I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my gosh, we've got to try something!
- In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
- Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
- Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.
- If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
- I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''
- It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
- Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
- Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out there."
- When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
- If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
- When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
- During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
- If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
- It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
- If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
- Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
- People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
- I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
- If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
- I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
- If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
- If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
- People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes?
- Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
- I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.
- If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
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