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- You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
- One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
- When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
- When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid person," Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
- If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage. They're just not ready.
- Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
- If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
- Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house.
- When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
- When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend HE is.
- Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
- I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
- If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
- Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that is least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise. wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something.
- I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.
- Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
- I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on thesame day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
- The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
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