 |
|
|
|
- If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the heck are you supposed to carry it?!
- Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee.)
- How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive.
- When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is behind this.
- Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
- I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.
- I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
- You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
- Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?
- I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.
- The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
- If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
- I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!
- Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?
- If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
- If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
- The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!
- If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.
- I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.
- If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.
- Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.
- I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
- If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going to go ahead and keep you in the "happy" category.
- Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn't there a saying that if it comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it as hard as you can? I thought I heard that somewhere.
- Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.
- I don't say that the bird is "good" or the bat is "bad." But I will say this: At least the bird is less nude.
- Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of stainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow.
- One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
- You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
- I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh, well, never saw HIM again.
- You know what makes good hair for a snow man? REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.
- Carl would have to be fast to beat the stranger. Real fast. "Draw," said the stranger. Carl went for his gun, but then "Hey, where did all these angels come from?
- If you're trying to remember a happy memory, don't think back to a time when you were ALSO thinking of a happy memory, because man, how long does this go on?!
- If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
- If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they kept the head, you'd probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you know, I bet it's surprisingly warm.
- "I'll take that little one, way in the back," I said. "That little collie mix?" said the animal shelter guy. "No," I said, "the one behind him." "The gray terrier?" he said. "He's gray," I said,"but way in the back, in the corner." "You mean the water faucet?" he said. I realized then it was a water faucet, but I didn't want to look like a jerk, so I said,"Yeah, that's the one I want." It ended up costing me almost five hundred dollars to get that faucet removed. But you know, I've still got that faucet, and I wouldn't trade it for any dog in the world.
- When you're ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
- Mom used to make the most beautiful Easter eggs. Then she'd hid them in the backyard. But they were so beautiful, when we found one, we weren't allowed to pick it up. We had to point at it, and then Mom would come pick it up with her white gloves and put it back in its case. Somebody ended up smashing all those eggs with a hammer. I think it was our dog.
- As I stood there looking at the beautiful waterfall, I wondered how many other people had stood there, and how many had candy corn "teeth" sticking out between their lips like I did.
- I remember one night I was walking past Mom and Dad's room when I heard them talking about how they might not have enough money to pay their bills that month. I went and got my piggy bank and buried it in the backyard, where they couldn't get their mitts on it.
- I only played hooky one time, so I'll never forget it. I hid in the bushes right outside my classroom. And since the window was open, I could hear the teacher, so I went ahead and took notes. When the teacher asked a question, I raised my hand, but she couldn't see me.
- In all the time I was growing up, I only saw Dad cry two times. After the first time, I didn't say anything. But after the second time I left a note on his dresser that said, "See a psychiatrist." I don't know if he ever did, but at least I didn't see him cry again.
- The way I see it, kids need exercise more than they need ice cream. So when I worked as an ice cream man, driving an ice cream truck, I would try to drive fast enough that the kid couldn't catch me, but not so fast that he'd give up right away. Some kids will chase you for eight or nine blocks.
- I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
